Loved this talk! Just sharing...

You will never see again! (clearly...)

Today I had my eye exam. The first one - which would mark the official beginning of the vision improvement experiment that I started.

I'll have to do it again in a month, but will probably choose another doctor, because this one will clearly have trouble giving me another eye exam in just a month.
"WHY?? When she just did it and gave me a perfectly fine prescription for the glasses, which, in her opinion, I should have gotten right away from her shop anyway."

My eyes are still dilated and I'm feeling quite a bit queasy. She didn't give me my prescription, but I asked for some sort of a report that I could keep for my records and was promised to have it shortly - via e-mail.

The only useful thing I recall her saying is that I see as good as "twenty eighty", and ideally it should be "twenty-twenty". I didn't receive an explanation as to what these numbers mean and how I can relate them to my previous experiences with eye doctors. She was perfectly professional, and didn't smile even once. In an attempt to make a connection with her, I probed the grounds by asking if she thinks there are any exercises I could do to improve my vision, instead of simply putting glasses on. She was very straight in putting me back where, in her professional opinion, I should be. I don't know. I can hardly take seriously anybody who would openly try to persuade me that I can't do something I set my mind to. Especially when I already have experienced some hint of improvement.

To my surprise, my left eye sees much better than the right one. It used to be the other way around. Everything else seems to be the same as 4 years ago, 7 years ago, 11 years ago... Nothing's changed.

There's a slight astigmatism somewhere and the small nearsightedness all over. The kind that requires you to wear corrective lenses when you drive or fly though.

So, let's see what happens in a month :). I already have a referral to another doctor who I'll probably end up going to at the end of this month/period.

Exercises are fun. Eyes are getting much easier to focus on those things that I used to see blurry all the time. I'm getting used to practicing "seeing clearly", it still takes an effort, but I'm also getting better at remembering to do that.

During the exercise I feel slight burning in the eyes. I read the same thing from other folks who were trying it. I ran a basic research on existing articles and here are a few interesting links:

What your optometrist won't tell you
Healthy living - see clearly without glasses
Bates method described on Wikipedia

Fun, fun, fun!

And if you're following this project - let me know somehow, I'd love to know if it's interesting to anybody out there in the blogosphere.

What do you want?

This is going to be a bit of a strange post, again. Me talking to myself... pondering things..

I remember when I first decided to try and live off just photography, test the universal laws I became a student of (a very geeky one) - I thought "now I know what I want! I simply want to try and see if Law of Attraction works and if I will resist my own dreams!" Many people would cringe at the thought of jumping off the train at a sighting of interesting potential - you have got to develop some basic support system first, think things through, perform elaborate research on how to jump off trains and what to do the moment you touch the ground... And I can't argue with that - they are right. Yet I jumped when I first saw something soft to land on - without further ado. I haven't even started writing a business plan before I took off in the desired direction.

Registering business, studying others work and activity, completing paperwork, taking first networking steps etc. - it all was being done after the fact. I should have began preparing long before, but I didn't and it would probably take forever anyway with a full time job and a family. Plus, I was already having issues with feeling too old to start a brand spanking new life.

So... Where am I taking all this? Ah... I remember!

Wanting things. It was a year of a lot of "firsts". First paid wedding, first paid business headshot, first paid product shoot, first contract, first encounter with a lawyer, first bookkeeping software grind, first time in my life I don't have to do certain things that I thought everybody does, first of each experience of new fears and challenges, first studio outside my basement... - it's a long and boring list of "firsts".

I'm sooo happy now that I am over that hump - there is literally nothing related to business itself that I can reminisce about without feeling those annoying little butterflies in my stomach.

By next summer I went over the things I had a chance to try repeatedly and decided to narrow it down to something more defined. I saw photographing a lot of things that were not only hardly satisfying, but also badly rewarding. I kept ways to photograph my way through bills and ways to keep my imagination and personal taste developing.

Then later - when things became more or less established - I started saying 'no' to things that only pay the bill, but are extremely uninteresting to shoot.

Then I faced a challenge of "wanting things" again and had to review everything all over.

Now we came to the point I decided to share with you all today.

I believe now that it is totally ok to change your mind after just one bite while trying new things. I had big problem with accepting this simple truth at first, but now I see it merely as a way to refine oneself. A way to evolve - do you know what I mean?

- From wanting to photograph just about anything as long as it's me shooting,
- to being paid for doing the above,
- to focusing on photographing people, and doing nature just as a hobby,
- to finally deciding to focus only on CREATIVE portraits (playing with elaborate setups, lighting, mood, story, energy)

That trip has been fun! If you know what I mean... I was resisting the changes to my desires very strongly at first. But time tells everything, right?

I wanted to come out there and offer this advice to everyone who's looking for their new path - try it all, make a list of what you'd like to do, and do it. Then come back and work some more on that list. And then back to doing it. And when you feel like you don't want anything anymore - take a nice long break from it all (that's totally OK too! The only commitment you have to keep is being true to yourself) and start with a list again when those little wishes and desires come back.

It is ok to feel lost, ok to feel disappointed and not want to go on. It is also ok that sometimes you will feel like you never finish anything. Perfectionists have a really hard time with this. But the key is to stay open and flexible. The dark times have always been followed by sunshine and there are days when you really want to stay low and that's what you need most. It is ok to do whatever you feel like. Our brains need time to adjust to all these major changes and our bodies need that rest.

As long as you don't lose the sight of that light...

Oh boy, have I written another long letter to myself again?

If you went through this - here's a bit of a reward...